Home
by Mystica faery
Summary: School AU, Human names. Natalia is both hated and feared, as Ivan's crazy younger sister none of the other students dare to approach her. Yet under the layer of ice is a human being, a person that longs for recognition and love. Since no one wants to listen to her, Natalia writes in her diary to let her feelings out. But is there anyone out there that cares and will bring her home?
1. Prologue - 31st of December

Characters: Natalia (Belarus), Toris (Lithuania), Ivan (Russia)

Paring: Toris x Natalia Side Parings: (one sided) Natalia x Ivan, Ivan x Alfred

Warnings: self mutilation, mature themes, violence

On with the story...

* * *

_31st of December_

**Dear Diary**

My name is Natalia Arlovskaya, also known as Ivan's Insane sister. During the centuries I have lived I have managed to build a reputation, however, it is far from a pleasant one. All of my fellow students view me as a lunatic, someone who does not belong among them. Especially my dear brother who runs at the sight of me, but even my sweet, caring sister dislikes my presence.

I don't know why I got this foolish idea to write this down, cause who will ever read it and know who I truly am, but I am desperate. Over the years the feelings have built up inside of me and I can no longer keep them imprisoned. All rueful thoughts are taking over, and since there is no one who wants to listen; this is my only chance to survive. To prevent the fall into the abyss of complete madness, to save me from myself.

Where is my fault in loving in loving you?

Ivan, sometimes I wonder if this is the prize I have to pay for my sins. My love for you was once pure as new snow, the thought of you filled me with joy. My younger self would be horrified and sad to see what pain, rejections and jealousy have done to me and the once white love I held. To my one source of happiness, as I write this tears falls down my cheeks; when was the last time I cried? But Ivan, I gave you my all!

Perhaps I am as terrifying as they think I am, I would have stopped at nothing to gain your love, after all I have lied, betrayed and wounded people on my road to get you. How could I know if I am insane? The countless scars on my wrists tell thousands of story's of defeats, when my pain was to great to handle. Loneliness is the keyword in my inane world, the sole powers that governs my life.

I hope this year will bring a ray of light in my austere life.

* * *

**AN:** I usually don't write in English since it is not my tongue and I have no beta, so I hope you forgive any grammar or spelling mistakes (if you find anything that sounds weird please PM me about it so I can change it and become better both in English and in writing. No flames please.) With that said, the reason I am writing this story is to give some love to my favourite character. Many fanfiction's were she has a major role includes rape and murder, so I wanted to write a story were she can be happy in the end.


	2. The Choice - 31st of December

**AN: **In this chapter I will try a new perspective; while we still get to read fragments from Natalia's diary, there is some told in third person. Since I see Natalia as a depressed young lady she is an unreliable narrator and suffers from the delusion that all hate her. I will write parts where the other characters reactions are more neutrally described, even if it still is focused on Natalia's feelings and reactions. Does that make any sense?

_On with the story..._

* * *

Natalia looked at the screen of her phone, nine a clock. In less than two hours Ivan and Yekatrina would leave and attend the new years party. The majority in the older classes on Hetalia High was invited. She heard a soft knock on her door, followed by her sister's voice.

"Syestra, I just wanted to ask if you are coming or not, Ivan and I are leaving in an hour" Was the nervous tone just in her mind? Did her sister sound afraid of her? Natalia left her desk were she had written and opened the door. Yekatrina flinched, but she smiled at the sight of her younger sister. Then it hit Natalia, the invitation to her siblings had not included their names, hence she was technically invited.

"I am coming" she took a deep breath. Natalia would not let the world win this time, she would show them that she was not who they thought she was, it was time to face them. In the short seconds the younger sibling let her thoughts wander, something that she had denied was unconsciously accepted. While the students were terrified of her, Natalia was almost equally frightened, not of her fellow students but the loneliness they left her in. "Could you please do my hair, as you used to?"

"How nice! Of course I can, but this is a formal occasion..." Yekatrina become lost in her own thoughts as she took her sister's hand and brought Natalia with her.

31st of December- continued

_Dear diary _

_What on earth have I done? I have agreed that I will follow Yekatrina and Ivan to their party. All it will accomplish is making everything worse, if my suspicions are correct Ivan will once again create a scene by running at the mere sight of me, or worse and it will ruin both our reputations. Or at least his, since when did I have a reputation to begin with. Holy Mary, mother of god please help me! _

_If only it was possible to get out of this and take a peaceful walk under the stars. When alone outside, with nothing but the divine nature at my side I feel somewhat better, when I have chosen to be all by my self. Like when reading a book, I think another night with Macpherson's Ossian would be more entertaining. Alas, it seems impossible to escape, where did all the bravery I did feel when I accepted Yekatrina's invitation disappear? In that moment I was strong once again. No! I am a independent young woman, no one can harm me and I can do this. Still I will pray this will be fine, either way Yekatrina is an adept hair stylist. I wonder if my hair has every been so beautiful. _

* * *

To be continued...

I hoped you liked it. Please review, give me your opinion and I will update soon again. I would also like to say thank you to all who have read and the first who added this story as a favourite.


	3. Death of all hope - 1st of January

_Warnings: (major) Self mutilation_

_On with the story..._

* * *

_1__st__ of January_

_Dear diary_

_The party yesterday was a disaster. When Ivan heard that I was going he became furious, and scared. The look in his eyes when I got into the car was troublesome. The entire car ride was truly uncomfortable, Yekatrina tried to cheer up the atmosphere and only made it worse. I could see the tears the threatened to fall from her eyes and felt worse than before, since I was the source of her unhappiness or was I? Ivan drove the car and refused to look at me and did not speak a word. The moment we reached the establishment where the party was held he left the car, running fast as the from me. My eyes followed him as he greeted his boyfriend with a kiss. The sight made me sick, the act poured salt in my old wound and the green monster of jealousy cut deep. The American's obnoxious laughter haunts my dreams..._

_Either way Ivan disappeared in the crowd and Yekatrina left me after giving me a quick hug. She left to find her new friends, Antonio and that girl from Belgium; whose name I can not remember. The result of this was, naturally what else had I expected, that I was on my own. Unfortunately, Elizaveta, the single person that dared to talk to me and my only friend was ill. I can't understand why I went in the first place. I spent most of the evening on my own in the bar, drinking wine. (Despite the popular belief that my family had vodka in our feeding bottles, I can not prefer the taste of it.)_

_The only ray of light in my personal darkness during the night, took place when a guy I have not seen before came up and talked with me. Apparently he was waiting for his brothers and was alone at the moment. I smile as I recall the way he looked at me, like I was worth something, a real human being. There was no trace of fright in his green eyes, not at all brothers. If I recall right, I was not entirely sober at the time, he trembled slightly when I mentioned Ivan; wonder why. The young man was a new student, I am certain of it, then who can he know my brother? _

_Anyway, I did not ask for his name and his brother came and dragged him away from me. As they disappeared in the crowd, I heard Eduard whisper to my new acquaintance "stay a way from her, she is mad as a hatter." Such a rude thing to say! While I did not hear his reply, I hereby assume that he will no seek my company again. _

_After that the hours dragged on, with no major change. Drunk people, dancing folk, chaotic music and a heart breaking amount of happy couples._

Natalia looked on what she had written and the words seemed to mock her. Her breathing pace gradually increased, as she felt the bottomless abyss threaten to claim her. With panic clouding her mind she reached for the knife at her bedside table, not truly aware of her actions she cut. A new scar would decorate her arm, where her sleeves would hide the wound and the ones accompanying it.

Later that night, when darkness claimed her she felt and heard nothing. Not the blood still dripping from her wrists, nor the screams of her sister. She felt no pain and all was blissfully quiet. She was standing on a beautiful field, that remained her of her homeland, which was covered in a comforting white light.

* * *

Thanks for reading and I hoped you liked it.

Natalia has now reached rock bottom and from here the tide will turn. The party itself was only the last straw, hence it was more like a catalyst for the reaction rather then a sole reason.

Please review. Constructive criticism is appreciated, flames will be sent to the ninth degree of hell.

Merry Christmas (Note: In Sweden we celebrate the 24th, so it is Christmas here. And why does grammar check hate passive phrasing?)


End file.
